The first time I found I was pregnant I was on my way to work (Legoland). I had done a test before I left which was negative, I was in a rush to leave and my mum told me that sometimes the second line doesn't show straight away and to leave the test with her so she can double check. She was pretty annoyed that there could be a chance as I was still in college. I left the house not thinking much of it and then my mum phoned. I was devastated, this pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. A previous post talks about this more: http://mummys-theword.blogspot.com/2017/01/miscarriage.html
Stupidly I decided that it would be a good idea to try for a baby, the first was unplanned but I had got so excited about it that I wanted to try again. I had just started my second year of college, I think it was the second week when I found out. The sickness and depression took over me. I didn't want to be near anyone, I was constantly worried i'll be sick in the middle of college in front of everyone. I started taking time off. My friends didn't understand what I was going through, I was scared and had no one to turn to. It was pretty hard. One of my friends started talking about me behind my back, I went away late October to the coast and she told my tutor I was on holiday to "help me". I now know this is because she was jealous as she is now with my sons dad. After she told my tutor about my holiday I knew she wasn't a true friend and thought it was best to just stay away from her. It was pretty sad as we had been so close, I guess at times like this you realise who your friends are.
My sickness settled and I got stuck into my work, spending so much time in the library. All my teachers knew about my pregnancy so they gave me my work ahead of the rest of the class so that I can finish early to have the baby. One day when I was waiting in line for my food I overheard another girl in my class telling the dinner lady she was pregnant. Finally someone I can talk to, she was so supportive and we were able to help each other finish early and also help each other by talking about what we are going through. It was amazing. I finished 4 months early with a distinction.
Fast forward... I gave birth to baby Ryker (labour story: http://mummys-theword.blogspot.com/2017/02/labour-pool-birth.html ). I was determined to give him the best life possible. I had money saved up and I wanted to start earning straight away. I had a job interview on my due date which I got and I started part time work 2 weeks after giving birth. I didn't want to be a young unemployed mum. I soon realised this was way too soon to start working but I stuck it out for 6 months.
Just after Ryker was born it brought me and his dad closer for around 2 weeks. We both struggled with our new baby. I didn't like going out, I wanted to be with Ryker all the time even if someone wanted to hold him I was reluctant. Neither of us liked being left alone with Ryker. I started becoming the main one who took on Ryker, although his dad was supportive he left me to it. This started to take a toll on me, I would lash out easily and me and Rykers dad started arguing on a regular basis. Ryker's dad would lash out too, sometimes even physically. Our relationship got pretty toxic. We didn't like each other going out. He started telling me what to wear as he didn't want guys looking at me, thinking now I made him feel self conscious as the attraction went when he started to put on weight and I would mention this during arguments, he even mentioned it after we broke up.
After giving birth I sort of developed a sex phobia so there was no intimacy between us. Everything was a mess! We had a baby together so it was hard to leave, I did try many times but his dad would threaten to hurt himself or start hurting himself in front of me. He would even start threatening to take Ryker, and that I would be a bad mum. I came to terms that we are stuck with each other and got the mindset that things will get better. He had started a new job and became distant from me, even came home late sometimes. I became paranoid and gave him a hard time about it. The tables turned and he tried breaking up with me and that hit me hard, I told him that I don't want to be here without him. We sorted things out, we even started talking about a second baby (what was we thinking).
One day when Ryker was 6 months old I was using his phone as mine was broke, when I went onto the internet I found porn. We had both previously mutually agreed that porn is wrong. He first tried lying saying that it was there from before we got together (bare in mind we was together almost 2 years), he then laughed at me, kicked me in the leg and walked out. I packed all my stuff and left him. It was so hard as he was all I was used to, it wasn't hard with Ryker as I was basically bringing him up myself anyway but I felt so alone not having him. I instantly wanted him back but he was not having it. Two days later he was in a relationship, this broke me. Did he even love me?
A month went on and my best friend Emma took me on a night out in Kingston where she was meeting up with some friends. My mum had Ryker. This is were I met her friend, Connor. I was constantly worried about Ryker whilst I was at the club as it was the first time I had left him to go out and enjoy myself plus it was the first time I had ever been to a club and it wasn't really my scene. I pretty much spent the whole time talking to Connor about Ryker, surprised that didn't scare him off. A couple weeks went on and Connor added me on Facebook, we began talking all the time. He really helped me realise that I deserve better. I had just came out of a relationship and explained this to Connor, I didn't want him to be a rebound so we developed a sort of friendship although we both like each other a lot. Eventually I introduced him to Ryker, he was a natural. A few months had past and Connor was making me so happy, I didn't want to let him go so we made our relationship official. It was all a whirlwind. I was 19 now with a baby, no job, and i'm with someone new but I was happy which I hadn't been for a long time. Meanwhile Ryker's dad was on to his second girlfriend (my ex best friend).
Connor helped me so much with Ryker, the dad role came naturally and two + years down the line he has his own little boy. His family have even been supportive, taking Ryker on. I have rekindled friendships that I had from before I even met Rykers dad, little shout out to my best friend Emma who has stuck by me through everything.
I feel so uncomfortable walking down the road with my buggy especially considering people say I look around 15 when i'm 22. I do feel there is a sigma around young mums. I thought I had it all, a perfect relationship with the man I would spend my life with and Ryker would make it complete. I was very naive. Although i'm not considered a young mum now, I still feel very young.
Its equally as hard for young dads, Rykers dad struggled and soon realised he doesn't want to be a dad. I'm hoping one day when he gets older he will be a part of Ryker's life. Although Ryker has Connor who is brilliant with Ryker every boy deserves to have their biological dad in their life.
Being a young mum is hard I wouldn't recommend anyone to have a baby at this age although I don't regret having my little boy. I lost friends, I became trapped in a relationship I didn't want to be in because of the fact we had a baby together, although I finished college it was hard, i'm living with my mum sharing a single room with my two boys, and I have no clue what to do with my life now. I love my boys so much, but motherhood is harder than you can ever imagine especially if you haven't got your life together in the first place. Waking up everyday seeing my two boys makes me so happy, no matter how hard it gets I will make sure they have the best in life.
Thank you for reading.
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